Acceptance: the key to a happy marriage

We seek acceptance from the time we are children through adulthood. As children we mainly seek approval and acceptance from our parents. However, once we become adults, marriage is often our most intimate relationship, and our spouse is the one from whom we seek acceptance.

When I accept my spouse, I am able to say, "I love you just as you are. I don't want to change anything about you as a person. If you have big feet, or a short attention span, that is just fine with me. I wouldn't trade in anything that is part of who you are." When you can say those things, you've accepted your spouse.

That is hard to do. Accepting others doesn't come naturally to us. Rather it is something that we learn how to do over time. At the beginning of our relationship with our spouse, we may love everything about him or her. However, that isn't acceptance. That is wishful thinking. Based on the little that you know about the other person, you are wishing that the rest of the package will be equally perfect.
However, once the haze of new love wears off, we are shocked and think, "Hang on! This person has some flaws. When did they change????" They didn't change. We simply have gotten to know our spouse more fully.

And really, we are the ones who have changed. Over time, what changes is our view of the other person. The behavior that once seemed adventurous, may seem immature after a couple of years. The sassy attitude that you once may have loved about your spouse suddenly strikes you as bitchy two years into the relationship. And your beloved's initially mesmerizing self-confidence now smacks of arrogance. People don't change. They are who they are. It is our view of them which changes.

Once we see our spouse for who they are, flaws and all, then we can learn to accept him or her. The problem is that many of us first need to learn to accept ourselves. If we don't accept ourselves, we may find our spouse's qualities to be threatening. For example, we may worry, "If he is gregarious, is it bad that I am shy?" Or we may ask, "If she loves adventure, and I just like to garden, does that make me boring?" We then may try to change our spouse to be like us, in order to eliminate the threat. Instead, we need to learn to love ourselves and be comfortable in being different from our spouse.
Acceptance also takes maturity. It is the mature person who grasps that just because someone is different, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. For instance, just because your spouse has a different opinion than you, that doesn't mean that he or she is wrong. (Note: Facts can be right or wrong. Opinions are just that -- opinions.) My husband and I happen to have very different political views (think James Carville and Mary Matalin). However, our difference of opinion is just that - a difference of opinion -- nothing more. Neither of us expects or even wants the other person to change how they vote or how they think.

And just because your spouse likes different activities than you do, that doesn't mean that person has bad taste. They just enjoy other things. For example, my husband loves to watch professional sports. I like spending time with him, so I'll sit with him during the evenings while he is watching a game. But frankly, while I am looking at the screen, my mind is often somewhere else. Sports just don't interest me. Nevertheless, I don't need him to give up watching sports. We enjoy so many other things together that it makes little difference to me if he enjoys some things that I don't.

Once we completely accept our beautifully flawed human spouse for who they are, marriage becomes so much easier. We don't have to agree on every last thing because it is OK to have different opinions. We don't have to feel insecure if we don't possess the same qualities as our spouse. And we don't have to enjoy all the same activities because we're different people!

Acceptance in marriage, however, must be mutual. If both spouses don't accept each other, they are going to be in a constant struggle. If your spouse has accepted you, but you haven't learned to accept your spouse, think long and hard about the effect of your attitude on your spouse. It is draining to be around someone who is constantly dissatisfied with you. And it is irritating to have someone try to change who you fundamentally are. Instead of trying to change your spouse, consider growing up and changing yourself.

We all want to be not only loved, but accepted for who we are. If you haven't fully accepted your spouse, start working toward that. It will be to the benefit of both you and your marriage.

[Meerabelle Dey - Huffingtonpost]

Parents should not give up trying to police kids sexting

George Welsh says he’s having an “Archie Bunker moment.” The superintendent of Cañon City Schools in Colorado was interviewed this week for a public radio podcast about the “sexting ring” that was discovered in the high school he oversees.

At first, he noted that the hundred or so students who had been trading hundreds of nude photos probably didn’t realize the implications of their actions and someone needs to explain it to them.

“Kids just don’t get when you share this with one person you’ve lost all control.” But then, as with so many adults these days, he seemed to wither under the pressure of adolescents.

Like the protagonist on “All in the Family,” Welsh told his interviewer, “Maybe time has passed me by. Meathead [Archie’s son-in-law] says human bodies are beautiful and why can’t a person if they choose to . . . why can’t they share it with someone else?” Welsh shrugs his shoulders: “I don’t have the answer.”

Well then perhaps you shouldn’t be in charge of a school system. Welsh approvingly notes that his own seventh-grade daughter says she would never send nude pictures of herself to someone else and doesn’t know anyone who would. But for some reason he does not see fit to give other people’s children the same guidance.

Cañon City parents, meanwhile, are up in arms that their teens may actually be charged with a felony — the distribution of child pornography — as a result of sending these pictures. Law enforcement is an awfully blunt instrument for dealing with these issues. But that’s what happens when parents and educators abdicate their responsibilities.

It’s easy, on the one hand, to see why parents have been cowed in the face of these pressures. First they are told that restricting kids could never work. As Regina, the mother of one middle school student told me recently, it’s just like drinking. There is a chorus of parents out there who say their kids are going to drink anyway so they might as well host the party. “No,” she told me. It’s not inevitable. Just because some rules will be broken, doesn’t mean that no rules should be set down.

There is a lot of pressure to go with the flow when it comes to technology, but she says, “Just because it’s the wave of the future, doesn’t mean my eighth-grader needs to be on Snapchat.”

The pressure is not only coming from other parents. Take a recent article in the Atlantic called “Parents: Reject Technology Shame” by Alexandra Samuel, in which the author writes: “Vilifying the devices’ place in family life may be misguided.”

Based on interviews with families, she determines that those who limit technology, as opposed to those who “mentor” their children’s technology use are more successful in teaching their children how to navigate the online world.

The children of “limiters” are “twice as likely as the children of mentors to access porn or to post rude or hostile comments online.”

Samuel doesn’t seem to account for the possibility that people limiting their kids’ technology use may simply be reacting to bad behavior they’ve already exhibited online. But she assures us that “It’s not our job as parents to put away the phones. It’s our job to take out the phones and teach our kids how to use them.”

Yes, obviously once you give your kids access to the Internet or a smartphone, it’s important to teach them what’s appropriate. But limiting their access can be a huge part of that.

Parents who keep devices in public places, who ensure that kids don’t go to sleep with their phones, and who restrict what kinds of features are enabled and whom they are allowed to communicate with are all making sensible decisions.

Parents regularly complain that they don’t understand all the different ways their kids can get around their restrictions. For some, this is a reason to just throw in the towel. One professor told The Wall Street Journal that parents shouldn’t bother checking the kids phones: “Kids are smarter than us and will figure out a way to get around us.”

We’ve been hearing that line since it was accepted that 5-year-olds were more adept at programming VCRs than their parents. But the notion that parents should give up is nonsense. If you don’t have the ability to figure out if your kids are sending naked pictures of themselves or others, you should find someone who does. And if you can’t, your kid shouldn’t have a phone.

But proclaiming your ignorance about all things technological and then handing your kid the keys to the Internet is bad parenting. Better to let them think you’re watching closely. As one mother explained, “I tell my daughter, ‘It’s my phone. You’re just borrowing it.’ ”

[NAOMI SCHAEFER RILEY - New York Post]

The five countries that came out top from the OECD's Better Life Index

Short working hour and high levels of personal time for friends and family put Denmark in the number one spot

It might not be obvious from shows like The Killing and Borgen, but Danes have the best work-life balance in the world, according to new research.

A healthy resistance to working long hours combined with generous amounts of personal time puts Denmark top for work-life balance on the OECD's 2015 Better Life Index.
We look at the top five countries that have got it right and, spoiler alert, Britain isn't one of them:

1) Denmark
The secret to Denmark's success seems to be short working weeks and a family-friendly work environment.
Only 2% of people in full-time employment work very long hours. Compare that to Britain where the proportion is 13%.
Danes also enjoy extensive state support to families and individuals with young children - state spending on family benefits is high in Denmark at more than 4% of GDP, nearly twice the OECD average.
2) Spain
Spain comes second as, while Spaniard have just as much personal time to devote to themselves and their families as their Danish counterparts, a higher proportion of them stay late at work.
Workers in Spain devote 16.1 hours, or 67% of their day, to "personal care" and leisure activities, according to the OECD, but 8% still work very long hours.
Spain also has one of the lowest fertility rates in Europe and a poor (but improving) record of female employment, meaning for all that free time, Spaniards haven't managed to successfully combine work and family life to the extent of the more gender-equal Danes.

Long working hours take away from leisure time and impact work-life balance

3) The Netherlands
Workers in the Netherlands shun long hours in the workplace with only 0.5% of employees working very long hours. Somehow, though, that doesn't translate into more leisure time as Dutch workers spend an average of about 15.4 hours a day on themselves and their families.
High levels of gender equality mean men and women share work responsibilities and families are helped by generous state benefits.
4) Belgium
At number four, Belgium benefits from successful flexible working programmes and a high-level of personal time devoted to friends and family, with only 5% of Belgium employees working very long hours.
5) Norway
Norway comes in at number five, the figures showing Norwegians spend about 15.6 hours of their day either with their families or contemplating the fijords, and only about 3% work very long hours.

[Alexander Sehmer - Independent]

Understanding ourselves and children from temperament to character (I)

Understanding Ourselves and Children From Temperament to Character is the 47th issue of IFFD Papers on a very interesting educational topic.It reproduces selected contents of the Opening Speech at the 19th International Family Congress of IFFD, held in Mexico City last month with more than 1,800 delegates from 43 countries. The speaker was Dr Andrew Mullins from Notre Dame University (Australia).

Read More: Understanding ourselves and children From temperament to character (I)

Read Also: Teaching self-management and respect From temperament to character (II)

Dr Andrew Mullins received his doctorate from the University of Notre Dame (Australia) where he holds an appointment as an Adjunct Associate Professor. He has extensive experience in the field of education. He also collaborates with other academic entities and has given numerous lectures and seminars in Australia, New Zealand, Italy, Nigeria and The Philippines. He also has collaborated with newspapers and specialized magazines with articles on education in values, character, and collaboration between schools and colleges. He is the author of ‘Parenting for Character: Equipping Your Child for Life’, a manual for teaching values to children, students and even adults. Andrew Mullins. This text reproduces selected contents of his keynote speech at the 19th International Family Congress(16 October 2015).

How To Defuse Conflict In A Family Business

In a family business, conflict is inevitable. If it’s not managed well, it can destroy the foundation of the business and lead to emotionally charged conflict that can greatly impact everyone involved. Those who develop effective ways of managing conflict are those most likely to survive — and thrive.

While not all conflict is unhealthy, there are strategies family business owners can implement to help keep the peace.

Establish a conflict management forum

One of the common drivers behind conflict in family businesses is the lack of communication between the family, owners and management. Effective communication with family members is very important for family unity and is common practice among the world’s largest, most successful family businesses.

Recently, EY teamed with Kennesaw State University’s Cox Family Enterprise Center to survey the world’s largest family businesses. The report, Staying power: how do family businesses create lasting success? finds that 90% of participants have regular family or shareholder meetings to discuss business issues, 70% have regular family meetings to discuss family issues and 64% have a family council that meets regularly.

Holding regular family council meetings to deal with family issues and shareholders’ meetings to deal with ownership issues can provide a great way for owners to work through the dynamics of these potential sources of conflict. Through these meetings, the family can build and agree on a set of rules that address key ownership issues. The family council becomes a forum that allows family owners to be actively engaged in the debate surrounding ownership and family issues — the emphasis here being on the fact that all family members can participate, regardless of whether they are actively involved in the management of the business.

 A family council can also provide the benefit of keeping family members up to date on developments in the family business where they may not be involved on a day-to-day basis. These meetings provide a forum to provide ongoing education to the next generation in the business.

Keep generational differences in mind

Aligning the senior generation’s vision with the incoming generation’s vision is crucial to the success of any family business. Conflict can occur on many fronts. The senior generation may have views about money, authority and other factors that differ from their children’s views. The challenge in every family business is to articulate those differences and be honest about them in order to manage potential conflict effectively.

It’s important to be clear on precisely who does what in the business and make sure their roles match their skills. If the roles change, consider the implications for both the business and the family. The next generation should be involved and encouraged to learn about the business and its operations as early as possible in order to provide them with the necessary experience and to instil a sense of commitment to the family business.

Be clear with succession intentions

Don’t underestimate the impact family dynamics can have on succession planning. More than 87% of the businesses we surveyed have clearly identified who’s responsible for succession, whether it’s a traditional transition or an unexpected change in leadership. Across all regions and countries, the board of directors/advisory board is most often responsible for succession (44%), with the next tier of responsibility shared about equally between owners/family council and the CEO.

Training, educating and mentoring the next generation is critical to reducing conflict when dealing with succession. Providing a clear and transparent plan for the future is necessary so that all members of the family are aware of the role they’ll play in the future of the business — whether that’s inside or outside the business.

Families that do business together grow together and in the process can achieve a solid relationship that can weather any storm. Family businesses come with a deeper, more complex network of relationships. Managing conflict is key not only for the survival of the business — but for the survival of the family itself.

[ David Steinberg and Colleen McMorrow - Forbes]

Is Your Teen Online 24/7? Parenting With Spiritual Tools

Addiction comes in many forms, but there's a relatively new face on the block that has silently slipped its way into family life. It's now a global problem, but there's one country that is battling it with fierce determination.

China considers Internet addiction a national health crisis and feels it is the number one health threat facing its teenagers. It is the first nation to classify it as a clinical disorder and it has established more than 400 rehab centers designed to treat teens with Internet addictions using military-inspired tactics.
The PBS TV documentary "Web Junkie" follows the lives of three young teenage boys whose parents admit them out of desperation to one such correctional facility south of Beijing. There, they spend at least three months in a jail-like boot camp, which includes a total lack of computer access.
For the three teens in "Web Junkie," their gaming addiction, sometimes referred to as "electronic heroin," leads them to drop out of school, neglect their family and friends, and experience poor health due to lack of sleep, proper nutrition, and exercise. But perhaps the greatest ill-effect is related to their perception of reality. According to one teen in the film, referring to the "real world" versus the virtual, he says, "Reality is too fake."
How do you reprogram a teen to recognize that the cyberworld is actually fake? That's not an easy question to answer, and it's one that's being grappled with in treatment centers.

Addressing the spiritual needs of young people could be a key factor in the process.

Feelings of loneliness and anxiety often accompany gaming and online addictions. Yet genuine love and peace have their foundation in a divine source that can't ever be exhausted, and are discovered, as one spiritual teacher explained it, in "spiritual living." She wrote, "Spiritual living and blessedness are the only evidences, by which we can recognize true existence and feel the unspeakable peace which comes from an all-absorbing spiritual love" (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, Mary Baker Eddy).

Superficial highs promise fulfillment but instead bring dissatisfaction and restlessness. The teens in the Beijing treatment center looked online for virtual friends and spent countless hours gaming, which estranged them from their parents. One boy was required by a therapist to face his father and simply say "Dad" 30 times. It was a touching scene when in the middle of the exercise he stopped and simply looked into his father's eyes with a sense of connection.

Raising children today requires parents to effectively manage both the usefulness and vices of being "connected." As a parent of teens, this hasn't been without its challenges, but my husband and I have seen the importance of defining clear limits for Internet usage, as well as providing a religious and moral education that includes Bible study and Sunday School. This has helped give our children a compass for making wise decisions, as well as any needed course-corrections.

This summer when our soon-to-be freshman in high school headed off to summer camp to be in the mountains and by a lake, he left the computer behind and handed us his phone with, perhaps surprisingly, hardly a flinch. It was clear his "trade" wasn't just due to camp rules, but because he knew camp offered the kind of satisfaction that is achieved in the "real world," with actual woods and mountains to explore and goals to achieve, including spiritual ones. He also had friends to chat with into the night and in person.

The Chinese parents' desperation to help their boys in "Web Junkie" was heart-rending and turned me to scriptural wisdom for answers. I was reminded of a statement Jesus made to his disciples when they failed to heal a boy who was mentally unstable: "This kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." He then restored the boy to health. He tells his disciples that with faith "as small as a mustard seed" they would be able to "move mountains."

Internet addiction among teenagers and young adults may feel like an immovable mountain, and our understanding as parents of how best to help may seem mustard-seed small in comparison to the problem. Still, the solution can begin with vigilant parenting. There's a need to fast from enabling hours of online entertainment and instead focus on nurturing strong family bonds, encouraging time spent exploring the wondrous natural world, and recognizing the innate spiritual purity and goodness in teens.

Focusing on these things can only help with stability in all areas of life, including striking the right balance with time spent on the internet.


Ingrid Peschke - The Huffington Post

How to stop over-parenting your child

A new book taking America by storm accuses modern parents of damaging their children with excessive hand-holding. How did it come to this?

In the era of my childhood, there was no such thing as “parenting”. There were parents, of course, but child-rearing was a fairly simple pursuit, not an active verb.
Mothers and fathers loved and cared for their children, fed and clothed them and occasionally asked if they had done their homework. If there were a few books around the house and they got good marks at school, then there was a fair chance their offspring would go to university and then they were on their own.

The only time my mother ever saw my college at Durham was when I graduated. Except for the occasional postcard, she never heard from me during term time. She didn’t have a clue that I nearly failed my first-year exams because any lectures before midday were a bit too early for me. I doubt she even asked how I was doing.

 

New discoveries in science - and the effect on parenting

Such benign neglect would seem very out of place now. Many of the generation attending university are the babies who, almost from birth, were ferried between Mini Mozart and Mandarin classes in cars plastered with Baby on Board bumper stickers. They grew up at a time when new discoveries about brain development were misinterpreted to mean that sooner always meant better for a baby – and there was not a moment to waste. As their toddlers grew into childhood and beyond, parents continued to orchestrate their lives at every turn to try and guarantee their future success in life, signing them up with tutors not because they were falling behind, but to get them ahead.

 

Now, however, as this first cohort of hyper-parented tots comes of age, a new book – currently in the top ten of The New York Times Family Bestsellers list – reveals some terrifying truths about how this excess of care has affected them.

How to Raise an Adult, by American academic and mother of two Julie Lythcott-Haims, argues that the more involved the parent, the less able the child at standing on its own two feet.

She questions why, when we have invested so much in their future, have we stopped growing responsible grown-ups, and started producing overgrown kids instead?

 

Parents still hover as their children attend university

It was after a decade serving as Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University that Lythcott-Haims began to notice a startling rise in the level of involvement of parents in their children’s lives. But instead of producing a new breed of brighter, more accomplished Wunderkind, she found freshers to be overqualified academically, yet under-equipped to deal with the day-to-day practicalities of the world. They might have understood the essentials of particle physics in the lecture theatre but they didn’t know how to boil an egg in their student digs. In the course of researching her book, Lythcott-Haims encountered more and more young adults who eschewed independence and seemed unable to look after themselves properly. She became convinced that parents were to blame.

Time was when the start of secondary school was the moment parents began to stand back and allow their children more independence. But now the helicopter parent, the one who played classical music to their baby in the womb, is still hovering close as their child graduates from university.

 

As Lythcott-Haims observes: “It was [becoming] harder to convince the parents of college students to take a back seat and let their son or daughter be the driver of their own college experience.”

Nor did these young people seem to want to grow up. “Each year, more students were grateful for a parent’s involvement, rather than wanting to try and handle matters on their own,” she writes.

A similar story is evolving in Britain. University open days are now aimed as much at parents as would-be students, with websites offering pages of advice for them on how to make the break. The University of South Wales has its own dedicated magazine, Parent Space, to help them through this difficult time.

 

According to one recent survey, 50 per cent of youngsters take their mum or dad along to open days, apparently without embarrassment, so they too can ask key questions about courses and accommodation.

And when they start their courses – carefully chosen, of course, by those helicopter parents to guarantee the most lucrative careers – the mums and dads find it hard to buzz off. Some are spotted still hanging around halls during freshers week. Then when term gets under way, they monitor events remotely. Tutors receive snippy emails from parents complaining about low essay marks. Principals get calls from parents living hundreds of miles away whinging about a broken radiator in their son/daughter’s room – when the caretaker is just around the corner.

We’re not yet at the point of introducing ''Letting Go’’ training sessions for parents as some American colleges have, or ''parting ceremonies’’ to reinforce heavy hints that it’s time to disappear, but perhaps we’re not far off.

So how has it all gone so badly wrong, when our intentions were so good?

A number of factors, it seems, have driven us to this excessive over-parenting. Competition for university places that previous generations assumed were their right is ever greater, especially from high-achieving students from other cultures, such as India and the Far East, where education is more valued and a family’s honour and future may depend on it.

In addition, while it was once (mostly) free to go to university, parents who are now forking out thousands a year feel entitled to get their money’s worth, whether by assessing the quality of tuition or rating halls of residence as they would a hotel on TripAdvisor.

 

Furthermore, continual pushing has become the norm because it is contagious. As soon as we see other parents shoving their kids forward, we feel compelled to do the same. With the best jobs dependent on stellar degrees from top universities, it feels as if there’s too much at stake to risk allowing our offspring to get on with it, God Forbid, all by themselves.

Along the way – as I point out in my book Taming the Tiger Parent – parents have forgotten the huge smile you see on a child’s face when they have done something all by themselves for the first time.

 

While we might think we are acting in their best interests we are, in fact, denying them the opportunity to look after themselves. Our children take this to mean we have no confidence in their abilities. Lythcott-Haims says we are sending the message that: ''Kids, you actually can’t do any of this without me.’’ In a recent survey in the Journal of Family Psychology, only 16 per cent of 18- to 25-year-olds said they felt they had reached adulthood. And their parents agreed! Study after study has found that when adults take over their children’s lives, the children feel more vulnerable, self-conscious and worried. Further down the line, they are more likely to be treated for anxiety and depression.

 

Source: The Telegraph

By Tanith Carey