Family violence can affect children even before birth, royal commission told

Children are “exquisitely sensitive” to the suffering of their parents, medical experts have told Victoria’s royal commission into family violence.

Professor Louise Newman, director for women’s mental health at Melbourne’s Royal women’s hospital, and Dr Robyn Miller, a social worker and family therapist, told the commission children could be affected by family violence even before they were born.

Women released hormones in response to the stress of being harmed, Newman said, which could permeate the placenta and affect the baby’s development in utero, with potentially severe consequences for the pregnancy.

They are more likely to have preterm deliveries ... babies can have growth problems in their nervous system and brain, and also be small babies, so potentially vulnerable in terms of their ongoing development,” Newman said.

It made identifying women in high-risk situations during pregnancy essential, she said. Maternal and child health nurses were skilled at being able to engage with complex and challenging families and provided an opportunity to intervene, the commission heard.

“If we could engage fathers at that point there might be a window of opportunity. Most men want to do the right thing by their children,” Miller said. “We must train medical professionals to be attuned to indicators of violence, and how you speak about these things with families makes all the difference.”

Miller described seeing babies just a couple of weeks old fall into a state of “frozen watchfulness” due to being exposed to violence between the parents.

“They only have to hear the voice of the perpetrator and they’re in this dissociative state,” Miller said. “One of the really important things to understand is children and very young babies can sense the fear in their parents. They can smell fear. Children are exquisitely sensitive.”

As they grew older, children often assumed a sense of responsibility for their parents, the commission heard.The first few years of life was the most significant period of brain development, the commission heard. Traumatic experiences during this time could affect a child’s learning ability, memory and attention span.

“I’ve seen kids who have jumped on the backs of their mother as she is being stabbed,” Miller said. “They are active agents in preventing their siblings from harm.”

Newman and Miller said children often had no way of making sense of the turmoil around them, and these experiences left them with traumatic memories. They could suffer severe flashbacks that lasted into adulthood, the commission heard.

“I’ve seen babies with injuries,” Miller said. “I’ve seen children who’ve endured a range of different injuries. The traumatic memories for children are stored differently. They’re like a dog’s breakfast.

“A child can be triggered when they smell something, when they hear dad’s voice raised, when they see that look on their mum’s face, when someone grabs them from behind at school in a game.”

Children often responded by acting out, becoming withdrawn, or both, the commission heard. Their schooling often suffered. As they grew older, they were more likely to become involved in exploitative relationships, and were vulnerable to being manipulated, targeted and groomed for child abuse by outsiders.

In an act of self-preservation, children often sided with the perpetrator, the commission heard. Miller said she had often seen children brainwashed by their fathers.

“Joining with the powerful one, the perpetrator, is often the best way to survive,” Miller said. “Children will often become conscripted into the dynamic which is very disrespectful towards women.”

For every dollar spent on prevention of child harm, $17 could be saved, the commission heard.

Sarah Marsh and Lisa Spiller 
Culled from theguardian

Making your Marriage Work

It was yet another memorable weekend at the Epe Resort and Spa with nine couples participating in IWFI Married Couples Retreat.

 Amidst the fun and laughter that usually characterize the MCR weekend, was also tears.  I would say tears of joy and perhaps, that rediscovery of love that seemed forgotten. I guess having heard that being vulnerable towards your spouse also enhances intimacy and that communication is key to a smooth relationship. Only the hardest of hearts can hold back the emotion when a spouse goes on his/her knee to say ‘I am sorry’.

 From the first session couples were encouraged to focus just on themselves. As they were told “....the whole program is about the two of you. Ignore the rest of us; focus on yourselves and the planning of your future...” For sure the program is for our guest couples but I never fail to take away some tips for myself (yes I am a spouse) that can help when I go back home.
My favourite quote from the last MCR program was; “Marriage, like life, is a journey - not a destination – and its treasures are found not just at the end but all along the way” Your lack of control of some events in your marriage, the good one and the bad ones alike are to be treasured. You cannot run away, but make the best of the situation.
The goal of the Married Couples Retreat is to enrich the lives of married couples and help them discover a life-long marriage of true love and fulfillment for a great society to the glory of God.


by IWFI

Watch TV With Your Family

Watching television like they did in the  1950s—and watching classic shows—can strengthen family ties

A recent study found positive outcomes for families that used media such as TV, movies and the Internet ‘as a tool—to laugh together, to become informed, to connect, to spark discussion.

By JENNIFER BREHENY WALLACE


Sixty years ago, television served as a center of family home life. Today, the average American owns four digital devices on which to consume media, according to Nielsen. Back then, three networks dominated; now the average home has 189 channels to choose from. And according to a recent report by Deloitte, 90% of viewers multitask while watching TV, busying themselves with things like social networking, Web surfing, emailing and texting.

All the same, recent studies suggest that viewing media as a family can still be a great way to bond. A paper published this past summer in the Journal of Adolescent Research reviewed longitudinal data on 633 adolescents and their parents. It found positive outcomes for families that used media such as TV, movies and the Internet “as a tool—to laugh together, to become informed, to connect, to spark discussion.” Such shared activities led to greater levels of personal disclosure for adolescent boys, more positive family functioning for adolescent girls and greater parental involvement for both.

Television also can be an effective tool for improving social-emotional skills in young children, but parents have to be choosy. In a study published last year in the Journal of Broadcasting & Electronic Media, researchers assessed which programs most encouraged such learning. “Look for shows that focus on altruistic behaviors like sharing and cooperation,” says lead researcher Claire Christensen of the University of Illinois at Chicago, and avoid those that rely too much on negative behaviors to teach a lesson. “Children whose parents explicitly talk about the shows’ lessons immediately afterwards,” she says, “are more likely to learn” positive social skills.

Finding family-friendly shows to watch together is a challenge today, says Melissa Henson, national grassroots director of the Parents Television Council, a Los Angeles-based media watchdog group. In a recent report, the council reviewed 21 family-centric shows that aired in the last several months of 2013 and found that 99% of episodes contained some form of adult content, like sex, violence or profanity.

“Families want shows that are ‘safe’ to watch together, and they’re not getting them on today’s broadcast television,” says Ms. Henson. Some of her group’s members are returning to classics like “Little House on the Prairie.”

Mary Anne Hunting, a New York mother of 9-year-old twins, likes to watch “Mayberry R.F.D.” and “The Andy Griffith Show” with her family when her own mother visits. “We laugh and laugh,” she says. Unlike many shows today, “old shows worked for multiple generations.”

Whatever shows parents watch with their children, here are some tips for making the most of family TV:

Label what you see. To build social and emotional skills in younger children, it helps to label what they see on the screen, says Dr. Christensen. As they get older, she says, talk about what causes the TV character’s emotions, so that children begin to understand how emotions form. “Try as much as you can to relate those TV lessons back to your child’s own life experiences,” she adds.

Resist binging. Before VCRs and on-demand viewing, TV fans would schedule their week around their favorite shows. Enjoy the anticipation of watching one show at a time, and maximize its impact by taking the week after seeing it to talk about the moral of the story.

Let teens choose. When teens pick a program, you can get insight into their interests, and it may make them more apt to talk about the show later. If you are doing the choosing, try to match their interests: the 1990s sitcom “Friends,” for example, might get conversations going with an older teen, says the Parents Television Council.

Laugh together. Lots of family settings bring power dynamics and generational tensions into play, but watching funny programs together often serves to collapse these differences. Evolutionary biologists theorize that we laugh to build social bonds. Use it to strengthen family connections.

Make a tradition. The consistency of family traditions, like watching a certain show together every week or even the same holiday special each year, can bring children a sense of security and belonging. While watching, put away the many available distractions and build the kind of memory that everyone can look back on for years to come.

—Ms. Wallace is a freelance writer in New York and a contributing editor to EmpoweringParents.com

Teaching your Children Emphatic Assertiveness

In recent years there have been a lot of articles about the importance of teaching children empathy. As a psychotherapist (and a mom) who specializes in relationships, I could not agree more. I am hopeful that the emphasis on empathy will help children become happier people with more fulfilling relationships. On a larger scale, I hope a focus on empathy will make the world a better and more compassionate place.

However, I also believe that teaching our children assertiveness is just as important as teaching empathy. I like to call the balance of being a kind and empathic person while also being a person that is firm, self-assured and confident, “empathic assertiveness.” Empathic assertiveness means that we respect others and can see their perspective, but at the same time we’re firm in our boundaries and are confident in how we implement them.

In my practice, I often see confusion of how empathy and assertiveness can harmoniously work together. I see parents who appreciate empathy but have apprehension towards it and I also see people who act out of empathy but often to their own detriment. Because of this, I have come to realize that empathy is often thought of as being mutually exclusive from assertiveness.
The parents I see with an apprehension of empathy usually have a fear of the old cliché that “kindness is weakness.” A well intentioned fear of a parent is that if their child is too empathic they may be  taken advantage of. This can be a valid concern because while compassion and empathy are instrumental to positive and deep relationships, the tendency to over-identify with others may open the door for people to take advantage or push and cross boundaries.

I have seen anxious people do things that make them uncomfortable because of guilt. I have seen people let others push and bulldoze their boundaries because they felt bad about saying “no” to someone or didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Again, while it is of the utmost importance to be able to take the perspective of another and see where they are coming from, it should not go too far to the point that we can’t speak up for ourselves, say no, or set appropriate personal boundaries.

As a parent, teaching the balance of empathy and assertiveness may feel tricky. Modeling your own empathic assertiveness in situations at home and outside of the home is a great way for children to learn how to communicate well with others in a way that is respectful to themselves and others, especially later on in life with the important figures in their lives: colleagues, friends, romantic partners and family members. Positive relationships with others are critical in professional and personal success in life.

There are also always great opportunities for teaching moments where you can emphasize that there is an importance to be compassionate of others and compassionate to ourselves. Questions like, “How do you think that made that person feel?” and “How did you feel about that?” help open the door for children to understand that others’ feelings are valid and so are their own. For children who don’t yet understand their own feelings, it’s good to help them label their feelings: “You felt very sad when Bobby took your toy and you cried.” As children get older and go through life, their ability to navigate these situations on their own and finding the balance between self-care and care of others (often the pendulum shifts and they can’t always be in perfect balance) will grow stronger.

Here are some suggestions for teaching or modeling empathic assertiveness whenever possible:

• Saying “no” to something that makes you uncomfortable does not mean you are rude or mean. Being rude means that you deliberately say or do something that is hurtful to another person. Saying no to respect yourself is not disrespecting someone else.
• You do not always have to explain yourself when you don’t want to do something. Sometimes saying “no” is enough.
• In important relationships, listen to others and validate the parts of their perspective that make sense to you but also make sure that you are in relationships where you are being heard in the same way.
• In relationships and friendships, a constructive conversation is one where both parties feel heard and work to compromise to a point where everyone is comfortable that their needs are being met.
• You can speak up for yourself and still be kind. For example, if you’re at a restaurant and you are overcharged on your bill, you can ask to have the problem fixed in a nice way. “I appear to have been overcharged on this bill. Can you please take a look at it and make the adjustments as necessary? Thank you so much!”
• If you disagree with someone in your home in front of your child(ren) you can respectfully work through the confrontation by not raising your voice or getting defensive and validating their perspective before stating your own. For example, “I can understand why you get upset when I don’t take out the garbage. However, I was incredibly overwhelmed and busy today and it slipped my mind. If you could gently remind me to do that next time, it would be helpful and I’d feel more inclined to do it.”
• Forgiveness means that you don’t hold anger, bitterness or resentment towards someone. However, that doesn’t mean you need to keep people in your life who have hurt you. You can forgive people and keep them at arm’s length or not have them in your life at all.

by Lena Aburdene Derhally - The Washington Post
Derhally is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety and Imago relationship theory at the Imago Center in Washington DC. She has a toddler and a newborn.

What Parents Should Tell Their Kids About Finding a Career

by James M. Citrin
“After board dinners, we inevitably sit around and talk about our kids and their careers,” Dave Calhoun recently told me. “Frankly, we’re often at a loss with how to help them.” If someone with Calhoun’s experience has trouble with this – he’s chairman of Nielsen’s board, sits on boards of Boeing and Caterpillar, and is on the management committee at Blackstone – I know he can’t be alone.

The truth is, it’s difficult to advise kids about how careers really work today and how to get any job, much less a great job. All parents love their kids and want to set them up for a life of self-sufficiency, meaning, and happiness. But at the same time, your advice may be heavily discounted – the world has changed since you were job-hunting as a new grad, and your kid may not see that you realize that. Moreover, whether you intend it or not, chances are your kids will perceive that you expect them to surpass your own success, which can make even the most well-intentioned conversation feel fraught.

So what should you do — and not do — when it comes to helping your kids with their careers?

Begin by telling them that in the early going they will be valued more on their potential than on their experience and track record. I call the first couple of years in one’s career the Aspiration Phase, in which it’s all about exercising one’s intellectual and interpersonal energies, and bringing enthusiasm, work ethic, and energy to an organization. The Aspiration Phase is about discovery, the process of learning, and the development of knowledge; in other words, the time when your kids will be getting the early experiences that will inform and influence their career. The most important objective is for them to discover their strengths and interests, and to begin learning marketable skills. They should try out as many different kinds of tasks and jobs as possible, and get feedback from peers, friends, and mentors to help them identify what they’re good at (and what they’re not).

When your son or daughter gets to their middle to late twenties, they are likely to be in when I call the Promise Phase. During this stage, their value will begin to be recognized through compensation, promotions, and access to the best assignments and mentors. Your kids should continue to explore their interests and talents, but the key will be to also begin to develop a track record and reputation around specific professional skills, and in so doing make meaningful contributions to their organization. During this stage, encourage them to find out the answers to questions such as whether they prefer working on their own, in small project teams, or in larger organizations, and whether they are honestly willing to put up with the late nights and weekend work required for jobs in lucrative sectors like technology and financial services. They should reflect on whether they thrive in competitive environments, where there are stars and also-rans, or if they prefer cultures that put a premium on teamwork, or tenure. Honest answers to these kinds of questions will help guide them to the career paths more suited to them.

If your college graduate is struggling to answer these questions, help them understand that there are inevitable tradeoffs to be made between three competing forces:
Job satisfaction, which is all about the inherent quality of what they are working on, the impact of the role, how much autonomy they have and how much they’re learning, and how proud they are to be associated with a brand.
Lifestyle, which has to do with where they live, their working hours, how much control they have over their schedule, if they have to commute, and general working conditions.
Money, which includes base salary, bonus potential, and perhaps equity or long-term compensation.

This the Career Triangle. The reality is that it is relatively easy to maximize one of the points on the triangle, and it’s not impossible to optimize a second. But especially in the early years of one’s career, it’s incredibly difficult to max out all three. In other words, if your daughter is complaining about working until midnight as an investment banking intern, ask her if she really enjoys the work. If not then, she may want to consider an alternative direction as she’s only optimizing the money point of the triangle. Or if your son is having trouble making ends meet working for Teach for America, but loves the job and enjoys where he’s currently based, then encourage him to live frugally and know that there will be time to rebalance his career around compensation a little later.

Speaking about money and jobs, there is a single piece of advice you can give your kids that is so obvious that many people overlook it. If your son or daughter wants to make a lot of money, the single best way is to go into a field that pays well. To quote Ben Stein, renowned columnist for The New York Times, from advice to college freshmen that he wished he had received himself when he started Columbia University in the early 1960s, “Over the years, I have seen it. Smart men and women in finance and corporate law always grow rich, or at least well-to-do. Incredibly smart men and women in short-story writing or anthropology or acting rarely do.”

The final key point to stress with your kids about how careers really work is the power of relationships. Relationships are critical both to getting jobs and to being successful once on the job. But it is also one of the most essential factors to overall happiness. You want to encourage your kids to have a relationship mindset, always seeking to help others, making an extra effort to be polite to everyone they come into contact with, especially in a professional context, regardless of what role or how senior someone is in an organization. You want to stress the importance of following up on introductions and sending thank you emails. But I would actually advise you to not encourage your kid to network. Trust me, they have been buffeted by messages about how everything happens through networking. They are likely to believe already that they will need to network to find jobs. Not only do they not need extra pressure to do that, but in fact, they will be more effective and happier if you encourage them to focus less on networking and more on finding ways to develop meaningful relationships, based on the timeless truth of give-and-take.

No doubt your child has already gotten a lot of advice from his or her career counseling office on the basics of setting up a LinkedIn profile, writing a resume, and interviewing. They may even have been taught how to create a “target list” that organizes their first-choice companies into a spreadsheet, with contacts, follow-ups, and next steps. Books like mine and good career counselors can teach them that. But as their parent, they’re likely looking to you for something else. They don’t need you to organize their job search for them, nag them, or serve up unhelpful platitudes like “follow your passions.” Instead, help them think through the tradeoffs they’ll have to make. Resist the urge to relate everything back to your own experience – that can come across as, “Here’s how I did it, so it’s the road you should take, too.” Instead, let your daughter or son know that their career will likely follow a winding path, with multiple left and right turns.

You can’t give them a map – but you can give them encouragement that there is indeed one, and can help them learn to read it for themselves.

culled from the Havard Business Review

Nine Things Successful People Do Differently

by Heidi Grant Halvorson

Why have you been so successful in reaching some of your goals, but not others? If you aren’t sure, you are far from alone in your confusion. It turns out that even brilliant, highly accomplished people are pretty lousy when it comes to understanding why they succeed or fail. The intuitive answer — that you are born predisposed to certain talents and lacking in others — is really just one small piece of the puzzle. In fact, decades of research on achievement suggests that successful people reach their goals not simply because of who they are, but more often because of what they do.

1. Get specific. When you set yourself a goal, try to be as specific as possible. “Lose 5 pounds” is a better goal than “lose some weight,” because it gives you a clear idea of what success looks like. Knowing exactly what you want to achieve keeps you motivated until you get there. Also, think about the specific actions that need to be taken to reach your goal. Just promising you’ll “eat less” or “sleep more” is too vague — be clear and precise. “I’ll be in bed by 10pm on weeknights” leaves no room for doubt about what you need to do, and whether or not you’ve actually done it.

2. Seize the moment to act on your goals. Given how busy most of us are, and how many goals we are juggling at once, it’s not surprising that we routinely miss opportunities to act on a goal because we simply fail to notice them. Did you really have no time to work out today? No chance at any point to return that phone call? Achieving your goal means grabbing hold of these opportunities before they slip through your fingers.
To seize the moment, decide when and where you will take each action you want to take, in advance. Again, be as specific as possible (e.g., “If it’s Monday, Wednesday, or Friday, I’ll work out for 30 minutes before work.”) Studies show that this kind of planning will help your brain to detect and seize the opportunity when it arises, increasing your chances of success by roughly 300%.

3. Know exactly how far you have left to go. Achieving any goal also requires honest and regular monitoring of your progress — if not by others, then by you yourself. If you don’t know how well you are doing, you can’t adjust your behavior or your strategies accordingly. Check your progress frequently — weekly, or even daily, depending on the goal.

4. Be a realistic optimist. When you are setting a goal, by all means engage in lots of positive thinking about how likely you are to achieve it. Believing in your ability to succeed is enormously helpful for creating and sustaining your motivation. But whatever you do, don’t underestimate how difficult it will be to reach your goal. Most goals worth achieving require time, planning, effort, and persistence. Studies show that thinking things will come to you easily and effortlessly leaves you ill-prepared for the journey ahead, and significantly increases the odds of failure.

5. Focus on getting better, rather than being good. Believing you have the ability to reach your goals is important, but so is believing you can get the ability. Many of us believe that our intelligence, our personality, and our physical aptitudes are fixed — that no matter what we do, we won’t improve. As a result, we focus on goals that are all about proving ourselves, rather than developing and acquiring new skills.
Fortunately, decades of research suggest that the belief in fixed ability is completely wrong — abilities of all kinds are profoundly malleable. Embracing the fact that you can change will allow you to make better choices, and reach your fullest potential. People whose goals are about getting better, rather than being good, take difficulty in stride, and appreciate the journey as much as the destination.

6. Have grit. Grit is a willingness to commit to long-term goals, and to persist in the face of difficulty. Studies show that gritty people obtain more education in their lifetime, and earn higher college GPAs. Grit predicts which cadets will stick out their first grueling year at West Point. In fact, grit even predicts which round contestants will make it to at the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
The good news is, if you aren’t particularly gritty now, there is something you can do about it. People who lack grit more often than not believe that they just don’t have the innate abilities successful people have. If that describes your own thinking …. well, there’s no way to put this nicely: you are wrong. As I mentioned earlier, effort, planning, persistence, and good strategies are what it really takes to succeed. Embracing this knowledge will not only help you see yourself and your goals more accurately, but also do wonders for your grit.

7. Build your willpower muscle. Your self-control “muscle” is just like the other muscles in your body — when it doesn’t get much exercise, it becomes weaker over time. But when you give it regular workouts by putting it to good use, it will grow stronger and stronger, and better able to help you successfully reach your goals.
To build willpower, take on a challenge that requires you to do something you’d honestly rather not do. Give up high-fat snacks, do 100 sit-ups a day, stand up straight when you catch yourself slouching, try to learn a new skill. When you find yourself wanting to give in, give up, or just not bother — don’t. Start with just one activity, and make a plan for how you will deal with troubles when they occur (“If I have a craving for a snack, I will eat one piece of fresh or three pieces of dried fruit.”) It will be hard in the beginning, but it will get easier, and that’s the whole point. As your strength grows, you can take on more challenges and step-up your self-control workout.

8. Don’t tempt fate. No matter how strong your willpower muscle becomes, it’s important to always respect the fact that it is limited, and if you overtax it you will temporarily run out of steam. Don’t try to take on two challenging tasks at once, if you can help it (like quitting smoking and dieting at the same time). And don’t put yourself in harm’s way — many people are overly-confident in their ability to resist temptation, and as a result they put themselves in situations where temptations abound. Successful people know not to make reaching a goal harder than it already is.

9. Focus on what you will do, not what you won’t do. Do you want to successfully lose weight, quit smoking, or put a lid on your bad temper? Then plan how you will replace bad habits with good ones, rather than focusing only on the bad habits themselves. Research on thought suppression (e.g., “Don’t think about white bears!”) has shown that trying to avoid a thought makes it even more active in your mind. The same holds true when it comes to behavior — by trying not to engage in a bad habit, our habits get strengthened rather than broken.
If you want to change your ways, ask yourself, What will I do instead? For example, if you are trying to gain control of your temper and stop flying off the handle, you might make a plan like “If I am starting to feel angry, then I will take three deep breaths to calm down.” By using deep breathing as a replacement for giving in to your anger, your bad habit will get worn away over time until it disappears completely.

It is my hope that, after reading about the nine things successful people do differently, you have gained some insight into all the things you have been doing right all along. Even more important, I hope are able to identify the mistakes that have derailed you, and use that knowledge to your advantage from now on. Remember, you don’t need to become a different person to become a more successful one. It’s never what you are, but what you do.

To fill the gap created by absentee parents, kids find new Character Models from: Nannies, Drivers, Gardeners, TV personalities, etc #iwfi #family