Top 5 Parenting Habits for Raising Happy, Healthy Kids

We all know that parenting can be difficult. In those first few months after birth, when you're basking in the glow of becoming a new mom or dad while reeling from the difficulty of nighttime feeds, much of what's necessary to raise a child hasn't really hit you. But, over time, as the months and years wear on, you become more aware of the importance of things like routines and the instillation of good habits for raising happier and healthier children.

As parents, we want our children to have all of the advantages and benefits in life that we can possibly provide. And, one of those benefits is derived from instilling the right habits into our children early on to help create a solid foundation for them in life as teenagers and into adulthood. And, according to science, there are, in fact, five parenting habits that are necessary for raising happy and healthy children.

While children don't generally have a grasp on the world that they're living in at a younger age, by instituting the right parenting habits, we can help acclimate them the right way to the world as they come of age. We want them to be honest, caring, empathizing contributors to society. We also want them to be intelligent, self-reliant, curious, and motivated to follow their passions in life.

So how do we give them the tools to do this?

This isn't about just raising successful kids. Happiness and health precede success, and as long as we can instill our children with the right habits to be both happy and healthy, we're already providing them a foundation for success. And, if you implement these top five parenting habits into your daily routine, as a parent, you can rest assured that you're giving your children that rock-solid foundation necessary to help them fulfill their missions in life.

1. Say Please and Thank You

While it might sound obvious, not all parents do it. But, by saying please and thank you, and not just instructing your children to do it, we're setting a strong example. Those three words help to instill a mutual respect for others, sympathy, and even empathy. A child who says please and thank you grows up understanding the importance of both giving and receiving, along with vital social skills to use as an adult.

One study found that simply saying thank you helps to build and maintain social relationships, and instills gratitude. When we're grateful for things, we don't take them for granted, and people appreciate a person who is grateful far more than they do a person who is ungrateful. But, saying thank you and being grateful doesn't just affect the individual you're communicating with, it also affects others.

The study finds that "insofar as expressions of gratitude signal interpersonal warmth, witnesses to the expression of gratitude should also infer the worth of affiliating with the expresser. This is an important question as ever-more interpersonal communication, and indeed thanks-saying, occurs in public arenas (e.g.,Twitter, Facebook).".

2. Evening Prayers and Morning Gratitude

By teaching your children to pray in the evening, no matter what your faith, and to be grateful in the mornings as they wake up, will turn them into thriving adults who are better able to take on the world. Not only does this keep them spiritually connected, but it also helps them to realize the importance of focus. When we focus on the things we have to be grateful for, thanking God, Allah, Buddha, or whomever it is that we call our creator, we live far more abundant lives.

The truth of the matter is that we get whatever it is that we focus on in life. The mind is very much like the lens of a camera in that way. When we focus on our problems and negativity, and we teach our children about that by arguing and fussing in front of them, then we see negativity all around us. It's easy to find the evidence for whatever it is that we focus on.

However, when we focus on being grateful and appreciating the things that we do have as opposed to what we don't have, our minds are steeped in abundance rather than a state of lack. The fact is that we have far more than many others do when we just stop to think about it. If we teach our children this, then they'll realize it as adults and make their decisions accordingly, being less focused on greed and taking, and more focused on selflessly contributing and giving to others in need.

3. Honesty is the Best Policy

While some parents believe that lying to their children about certain things is necessary, others believe that by being honest and instilling the habit of honesty, no matter what, is most certainly the best policy. So, how do we instill the habit of honesty in children? Is it by simply teaching them and telling them that honesty is the best policy? Do we lead by example? Or, is it some combination of the two?

The question has been the focus of Kang Lee, a researcher from the University of Toronto. In a study published in Psychological Science entitled, "Can Classic Moral Stories Promote Honesty in Children?", Lee poses the question about what classical stories can help instill honesty into children. Was it stories that focused on the negativity of dishonesty such as Pinocchio or The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Or, was it stories that promoted honest behavior rather than the negative effects of dishonesty, such as the story of George Washington coming clean after chopping down the cherry tree?

What Lee found was surprising. He states that "Contrary to our expectations, results showed that hearing "Pinocchio" and "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" failed to decrease children's tendency to lie about their own transgression. In contrast, hearing "George Washington and the Cherry Tree" significantly increased the likelihood that children would tell the truth about their own transgression, regardless of their age. One factor contributing to the effectiveness of "George Washington and the Cherry Tree" is its emphasis on the positivity of honesty."

4. Daily Reading

Developing the reading habit is an important one for children. While children in our society are constantly bombarded with all types of media, both online and offline, the simple act of reading is an important habit to develop early on. Well-read children are fare more able to cope with and understand the world that they live in, gleaning important information and experiences from the words that they read in books.

However, simply telling children to read doesn't cut it. Children are experts at emulating their parents, and if they see you reading on an ongoing basis, they're far more likely to pick up the reading habit. This isn't just about reading them bedtime stories; this is about helping to instill a habit that will have them reading on their own, curious enough to explore books that might interest them, ultimately developing a passion for what they want out of life.

Reading opens a whole new world to us, a chance to explore and understand things that we might not have explored or understood on our own. It provides us access to a wealth of knowledge passed down through the ages. The experiences locked away in the books written over time are invaluable learning tools for children who are interested in a particular topic or subject. And, when kids see you reading books, they're far more likely to do it themselves.

5. Share and Communicate Your Feelings

Although many of us might think that children are too young to understand certain things, generally speaking, they know far more than we think they know. And children are experts at tucking things away in their mind, only to be accessed at a later time. When a child sees us clam up, unwilling to talk about something, or get carried away in emotions while on the phone or interacting with someone in person, you can bet that they're cataloging everything that they see and hear us do, holding it locked away somewhere in their subconscious minds.

However, when we share and communicate our feelings with children, we teach them to express themselves, even providing the proper social skills for later development. When a child can actively express how he or she is feeling, its an invaluable tool to have for later on in life. But, if a child learns to lock their feelings away, too afraid to speak due to fear of condemnation or ridicule, they're far less likely to share those same feelings with us.

Once again, children are excellent emulators. If we share our feelings with them, telling them about our day, what happened, and how those things made us feel, then turning to them to do the same, we're helping to foster habits to help keep them happy and healthy in the future. Since relationships will be a big part of their lives, giving them the right tools to employ in order to handle a relationship with a friend, business associate, or even a loved one, is going to be critical to their overall development.

While importance of communication in children has long been studied, we can always do more to help foster this habit in our kids. If we can help open our children up to becoming better communicators early on, they will be far better, not only in their relationships, but also in their intended careers, finances, and health as they'll seek advice from others rather than trying to figure everything out on their own.

[Huffington Post]

4 Steps towards getting Family-Friendly Policies (FFPs) approved by the Board in your organization

Family-friendly policies make it possible for employees to balance family and work while fulfilling their obligations to both. Although policies like flex-time, job sharing and  working-from-home have been proven to enable employees get more involved with family life, they must also be profitable to the organisation in order to be considered for implementation.

At the IWFI Work and Family Conference 2015, Mr. Wale Adediran, the HR Director of Flour Mills Nigeria Plc made a presentation titled, “Walking the Work Family Talk: TAKING THE STEPS”, in which he recommended four steps towards getting family-friendly policies approved by your organization.

1.    Engage members informally ahead of board meeting

If you are trying to bring about new policies, make sure their benefits are well understood by members. Talk about your proposition to members of the board before the meeting without wasting their time. Perhaps during lunch or tea breaks, subtly highlight its benefits. You can mention how a policy would help solve a problem (if any) that involve issues of productivity of staff and how the organization is going to benefit. Say how this has helped another organization in your industry.

2.    Package a comprehensive board memo

Let your board memo be clear, accurate, persuasive and timely. While you don’t want to omit any information in the memo, it’s also important to keep explanations short and simple. This will increase the likelihood of getting your point across. Highlight key points, clearly state the purpose of the memo and its main points, and support conclusions with evidence.

If you are making recommendations, be sure to back up what you say with facts or information. You may start with how lately, staff members are raising questions about their work situations, briefly state some instances where this has affected  productivity, state the need for policy change or introduction, then end with an action information which specifies a meeting date and venue to discuss the proposal for a new family-friendly policy.

3.    Leverage “champions” of FFP on the board

Being able to clearly and convincingly lay out a case for adopting FFPs may not be the only way to influence the board. Find out who might support FFP and have them as your ally. There is high credibility, if you have present, more members who want to support your proposal. This provides a much better chance of getting an approval.

4.    Focus your briefing on productivity and ROI

Ensure members of the board understand that family friendly policies are in the best interest of your organization. Research has shown that employers gain in employee recruitment, retention, loyalty, and productivity, all of which contribute to the bottom line.

You may want to do your research among members of staff to know what the prevalent issues are and where to start from. Based on your research, try to come up with a clear, well defined goal. What you want to have happen where, and by when? The idea is to start with something that will have a real impact and provides the greatest benefit for everyone.

Compiled by IWFI

Speakers at technology conference call for safer use of Internet

The third edition of the Society and Technology 2015 Conference and Exhibition (SOCTECH 2015) held at the Lagos Business School of the Pan-Atlantic University on 27^th-28^th October, 2015 and the theme was - The Digital Age: Corporate Success and the Family. Speakers advised Internet users on the need to be more security conscious to avoid leaving online footprints that might be used against them.

The News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reported that the speakers spoke against the backdrop of a subtopic titled: ``Risk and Security in this Digital Age: Protecting Ourselves and Loved Ones.’’ which affirmed that in spite of the overwhelming successes recorded by technology, it had some negative impacts on family values and cultural norms.

Mr Elo Umeh, the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of Terragon Group said that the internet was a virtual store of information that could be leveraged upon to solve life’s problems.
He, however, noted that cyber-bullying was gradually becoming a threat to children who surf the internet.According to him, the internet has made it possible for cyber-criminals to exploit people online and dispose them of their valuables. He advised parents to ensure that they educate their children on safety tips on the use of the internet.

In his presentation, Dr. Pius Onobhayedo, Head of Design and New Media, Pan African University, said that each time we use the internet, we leave an imprint that could last forever. According to him,  the moment any content is uploaded, they remain there regardless of whether they are later deleted or not.

He advised young people especially to be weary of their activities on social media, since it could be used against them particularly for those nursing political and public ambitions. ``We can help ourselves by minding where we step. We should be careful and safety conscious in the use of the internet since our service providers know much about us,’’ Onobhayedo said.

Another speaker, Mrs  Yetunde Johnson, the CEO of Sling Shot Technologies, said that the internet has the potential to violate people’s privacy and, therefore caution must be exercised when using it. She warned that surfers on the net should be careful entering into unsafe sites that request for personal information.

Participants at this conference expressed their gratitude to the Institute for Work and Family Integration and the Lagos Business School for putting together this worthy 2015 Conference theme. NAN reported that the SOCTECH is an annual technology and society conference that draws the best brains in the industry to speak on  how technology can help the integration of family and work.

Acceptance: the key to a happy marriage

We seek acceptance from the time we are children through adulthood. As children we mainly seek approval and acceptance from our parents. However, once we become adults, marriage is often our most intimate relationship, and our spouse is the one from whom we seek acceptance.

When I accept my spouse, I am able to say, "I love you just as you are. I don't want to change anything about you as a person. If you have big feet, or a short attention span, that is just fine with me. I wouldn't trade in anything that is part of who you are." When you can say those things, you've accepted your spouse.

That is hard to do. Accepting others doesn't come naturally to us. Rather it is something that we learn how to do over time. At the beginning of our relationship with our spouse, we may love everything about him or her. However, that isn't acceptance. That is wishful thinking. Based on the little that you know about the other person, you are wishing that the rest of the package will be equally perfect.
However, once the haze of new love wears off, we are shocked and think, "Hang on! This person has some flaws. When did they change????" They didn't change. We simply have gotten to know our spouse more fully.

And really, we are the ones who have changed. Over time, what changes is our view of the other person. The behavior that once seemed adventurous, may seem immature after a couple of years. The sassy attitude that you once may have loved about your spouse suddenly strikes you as bitchy two years into the relationship. And your beloved's initially mesmerizing self-confidence now smacks of arrogance. People don't change. They are who they are. It is our view of them which changes.

Once we see our spouse for who they are, flaws and all, then we can learn to accept him or her. The problem is that many of us first need to learn to accept ourselves. If we don't accept ourselves, we may find our spouse's qualities to be threatening. For example, we may worry, "If he is gregarious, is it bad that I am shy?" Or we may ask, "If she loves adventure, and I just like to garden, does that make me boring?" We then may try to change our spouse to be like us, in order to eliminate the threat. Instead, we need to learn to love ourselves and be comfortable in being different from our spouse.
Acceptance also takes maturity. It is the mature person who grasps that just because someone is different, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. For instance, just because your spouse has a different opinion than you, that doesn't mean that he or she is wrong. (Note: Facts can be right or wrong. Opinions are just that -- opinions.) My husband and I happen to have very different political views (think James Carville and Mary Matalin). However, our difference of opinion is just that - a difference of opinion -- nothing more. Neither of us expects or even wants the other person to change how they vote or how they think.

And just because your spouse likes different activities than you do, that doesn't mean that person has bad taste. They just enjoy other things. For example, my husband loves to watch professional sports. I like spending time with him, so I'll sit with him during the evenings while he is watching a game. But frankly, while I am looking at the screen, my mind is often somewhere else. Sports just don't interest me. Nevertheless, I don't need him to give up watching sports. We enjoy so many other things together that it makes little difference to me if he enjoys some things that I don't.

Once we completely accept our beautifully flawed human spouse for who they are, marriage becomes so much easier. We don't have to agree on every last thing because it is OK to have different opinions. We don't have to feel insecure if we don't possess the same qualities as our spouse. And we don't have to enjoy all the same activities because we're different people!

Acceptance in marriage, however, must be mutual. If both spouses don't accept each other, they are going to be in a constant struggle. If your spouse has accepted you, but you haven't learned to accept your spouse, think long and hard about the effect of your attitude on your spouse. It is draining to be around someone who is constantly dissatisfied with you. And it is irritating to have someone try to change who you fundamentally are. Instead of trying to change your spouse, consider growing up and changing yourself.

We all want to be not only loved, but accepted for who we are. If you haven't fully accepted your spouse, start working toward that. It will be to the benefit of both you and your marriage.

[Meerabelle Dey - Huffingtonpost]

Parents should not give up trying to police kids sexting

George Welsh says he’s having an “Archie Bunker moment.” The superintendent of Cañon City Schools in Colorado was interviewed this week for a public radio podcast about the “sexting ring” that was discovered in the high school he oversees.

At first, he noted that the hundred or so students who had been trading hundreds of nude photos probably didn’t realize the implications of their actions and someone needs to explain it to them.

“Kids just don’t get when you share this with one person you’ve lost all control.” But then, as with so many adults these days, he seemed to wither under the pressure of adolescents.

Like the protagonist on “All in the Family,” Welsh told his interviewer, “Maybe time has passed me by. Meathead [Archie’s son-in-law] says human bodies are beautiful and why can’t a person if they choose to . . . why can’t they share it with someone else?” Welsh shrugs his shoulders: “I don’t have the answer.”

Well then perhaps you shouldn’t be in charge of a school system. Welsh approvingly notes that his own seventh-grade daughter says she would never send nude pictures of herself to someone else and doesn’t know anyone who would. But for some reason he does not see fit to give other people’s children the same guidance.

Cañon City parents, meanwhile, are up in arms that their teens may actually be charged with a felony — the distribution of child pornography — as a result of sending these pictures. Law enforcement is an awfully blunt instrument for dealing with these issues. But that’s what happens when parents and educators abdicate their responsibilities.

It’s easy, on the one hand, to see why parents have been cowed in the face of these pressures. First they are told that restricting kids could never work. As Regina, the mother of one middle school student told me recently, it’s just like drinking. There is a chorus of parents out there who say their kids are going to drink anyway so they might as well host the party. “No,” she told me. It’s not inevitable. Just because some rules will be broken, doesn’t mean that no rules should be set down.

There is a lot of pressure to go with the flow when it comes to technology, but she says, “Just because it’s the wave of the future, doesn’t mean my eighth-grader needs to be on Snapchat.”

The pressure is not only coming from other parents. Take a recent article in the Atlantic called “Parents: Reject Technology Shame” by Alexandra Samuel, in which the author writes: “Vilifying the devices’ place in family life may be misguided.”

Based on interviews with families, she determines that those who limit technology, as opposed to those who “mentor” their children’s technology use are more successful in teaching their children how to navigate the online world.

The children of “limiters” are “twice as likely as the children of mentors to access porn or to post rude or hostile comments online.”

Samuel doesn’t seem to account for the possibility that people limiting their kids’ technology use may simply be reacting to bad behavior they’ve already exhibited online. But she assures us that “It’s not our job as parents to put away the phones. It’s our job to take out the phones and teach our kids how to use them.”

Yes, obviously once you give your kids access to the Internet or a smartphone, it’s important to teach them what’s appropriate. But limiting their access can be a huge part of that.

Parents who keep devices in public places, who ensure that kids don’t go to sleep with their phones, and who restrict what kinds of features are enabled and whom they are allowed to communicate with are all making sensible decisions.

Parents regularly complain that they don’t understand all the different ways their kids can get around their restrictions. For some, this is a reason to just throw in the towel. One professor told The Wall Street Journal that parents shouldn’t bother checking the kids phones: “Kids are smarter than us and will figure out a way to get around us.”

We’ve been hearing that line since it was accepted that 5-year-olds were more adept at programming VCRs than their parents. But the notion that parents should give up is nonsense. If you don’t have the ability to figure out if your kids are sending naked pictures of themselves or others, you should find someone who does. And if you can’t, your kid shouldn’t have a phone.

But proclaiming your ignorance about all things technological and then handing your kid the keys to the Internet is bad parenting. Better to let them think you’re watching closely. As one mother explained, “I tell my daughter, ‘It’s my phone. You’re just borrowing it.’ ”

[NAOMI SCHAEFER RILEY - New York Post]

The five countries that came out top from the OECD's Better Life Index

Short working hour and high levels of personal time for friends and family put Denmark in the number one spot

It might not be obvious from shows like The Killing and Borgen, but Danes have the best work-life balance in the world, according to new research.

A healthy resistance to working long hours combined with generous amounts of personal time puts Denmark top for work-life balance on the OECD's 2015 Better Life Index.
We look at the top five countries that have got it right and, spoiler alert, Britain isn't one of them:

1) Denmark
The secret to Denmark's success seems to be short working weeks and a family-friendly work environment.
Only 2% of people in full-time employment work very long hours. Compare that to Britain where the proportion is 13%.
Danes also enjoy extensive state support to families and individuals with young children - state spending on family benefits is high in Denmark at more than 4% of GDP, nearly twice the OECD average.
2) Spain
Spain comes second as, while Spaniard have just as much personal time to devote to themselves and their families as their Danish counterparts, a higher proportion of them stay late at work.
Workers in Spain devote 16.1 hours, or 67% of their day, to "personal care" and leisure activities, according to the OECD, but 8% still work very long hours.
Spain also has one of the lowest fertility rates in Europe and a poor (but improving) record of female employment, meaning for all that free time, Spaniards haven't managed to successfully combine work and family life to the extent of the more gender-equal Danes.

Long working hours take away from leisure time and impact work-life balance

3) The Netherlands
Workers in the Netherlands shun long hours in the workplace with only 0.5% of employees working very long hours. Somehow, though, that doesn't translate into more leisure time as Dutch workers spend an average of about 15.4 hours a day on themselves and their families.
High levels of gender equality mean men and women share work responsibilities and families are helped by generous state benefits.
4) Belgium
At number four, Belgium benefits from successful flexible working programmes and a high-level of personal time devoted to friends and family, with only 5% of Belgium employees working very long hours.
5) Norway
Norway comes in at number five, the figures showing Norwegians spend about 15.6 hours of their day either with their families or contemplating the fijords, and only about 3% work very long hours.

[Alexander Sehmer - Independent]

Understanding ourselves and children from temperament to character (I)

Understanding Ourselves and Children From Temperament to Character is the 47th issue of IFFD Papers on a very interesting educational topic.It reproduces selected contents of the Opening Speech at the 19th International Family Congress of IFFD, held in Mexico City last month with more than 1,800 delegates from 43 countries. The speaker was Dr Andrew Mullins from Notre Dame University (Australia).

Read More: Understanding ourselves and children From temperament to character (I)

Read Also: Teaching self-management and respect From temperament to character (II)

Dr Andrew Mullins received his doctorate from the University of Notre Dame (Australia) where he holds an appointment as an Adjunct Associate Professor. He has extensive experience in the field of education. He also collaborates with other academic entities and has given numerous lectures and seminars in Australia, New Zealand, Italy, Nigeria and The Philippines. He also has collaborated with newspapers and specialized magazines with articles on education in values, character, and collaboration between schools and colleges. He is the author of ‘Parenting for Character: Equipping Your Child for Life’, a manual for teaching values to children, students and even adults. Andrew Mullins. This text reproduces selected contents of his keynote speech at the 19th International Family Congress(16 October 2015).

How To Defuse Conflict In A Family Business

In a family business, conflict is inevitable. If it’s not managed well, it can destroy the foundation of the business and lead to emotionally charged conflict that can greatly impact everyone involved. Those who develop effective ways of managing conflict are those most likely to survive — and thrive.

While not all conflict is unhealthy, there are strategies family business owners can implement to help keep the peace.

Establish a conflict management forum

One of the common drivers behind conflict in family businesses is the lack of communication between the family, owners and management. Effective communication with family members is very important for family unity and is common practice among the world’s largest, most successful family businesses.

Recently, EY teamed with Kennesaw State University’s Cox Family Enterprise Center to survey the world’s largest family businesses. The report, Staying power: how do family businesses create lasting success? finds that 90% of participants have regular family or shareholder meetings to discuss business issues, 70% have regular family meetings to discuss family issues and 64% have a family council that meets regularly.

Holding regular family council meetings to deal with family issues and shareholders’ meetings to deal with ownership issues can provide a great way for owners to work through the dynamics of these potential sources of conflict. Through these meetings, the family can build and agree on a set of rules that address key ownership issues. The family council becomes a forum that allows family owners to be actively engaged in the debate surrounding ownership and family issues — the emphasis here being on the fact that all family members can participate, regardless of whether they are actively involved in the management of the business.

 A family council can also provide the benefit of keeping family members up to date on developments in the family business where they may not be involved on a day-to-day basis. These meetings provide a forum to provide ongoing education to the next generation in the business.

Keep generational differences in mind

Aligning the senior generation’s vision with the incoming generation’s vision is crucial to the success of any family business. Conflict can occur on many fronts. The senior generation may have views about money, authority and other factors that differ from their children’s views. The challenge in every family business is to articulate those differences and be honest about them in order to manage potential conflict effectively.

It’s important to be clear on precisely who does what in the business and make sure their roles match their skills. If the roles change, consider the implications for both the business and the family. The next generation should be involved and encouraged to learn about the business and its operations as early as possible in order to provide them with the necessary experience and to instil a sense of commitment to the family business.

Be clear with succession intentions

Don’t underestimate the impact family dynamics can have on succession planning. More than 87% of the businesses we surveyed have clearly identified who’s responsible for succession, whether it’s a traditional transition or an unexpected change in leadership. Across all regions and countries, the board of directors/advisory board is most often responsible for succession (44%), with the next tier of responsibility shared about equally between owners/family council and the CEO.

Training, educating and mentoring the next generation is critical to reducing conflict when dealing with succession. Providing a clear and transparent plan for the future is necessary so that all members of the family are aware of the role they’ll play in the future of the business — whether that’s inside or outside the business.

Families that do business together grow together and in the process can achieve a solid relationship that can weather any storm. Family businesses come with a deeper, more complex network of relationships. Managing conflict is key not only for the survival of the business — but for the survival of the family itself.

[ David Steinberg and Colleen McMorrow - Forbes]

Is Your Teen Online 24/7? Parenting With Spiritual Tools

Addiction comes in many forms, but there's a relatively new face on the block that has silently slipped its way into family life. It's now a global problem, but there's one country that is battling it with fierce determination.

China considers Internet addiction a national health crisis and feels it is the number one health threat facing its teenagers. It is the first nation to classify it as a clinical disorder and it has established more than 400 rehab centers designed to treat teens with Internet addictions using military-inspired tactics.
The PBS TV documentary "Web Junkie" follows the lives of three young teenage boys whose parents admit them out of desperation to one such correctional facility south of Beijing. There, they spend at least three months in a jail-like boot camp, which includes a total lack of computer access.
For the three teens in "Web Junkie," their gaming addiction, sometimes referred to as "electronic heroin," leads them to drop out of school, neglect their family and friends, and experience poor health due to lack of sleep, proper nutrition, and exercise. But perhaps the greatest ill-effect is related to their perception of reality. According to one teen in the film, referring to the "real world" versus the virtual, he says, "Reality is too fake."
How do you reprogram a teen to recognize that the cyberworld is actually fake? That's not an easy question to answer, and it's one that's being grappled with in treatment centers.

Addressing the spiritual needs of young people could be a key factor in the process.

Feelings of loneliness and anxiety often accompany gaming and online addictions. Yet genuine love and peace have their foundation in a divine source that can't ever be exhausted, and are discovered, as one spiritual teacher explained it, in "spiritual living." She wrote, "Spiritual living and blessedness are the only evidences, by which we can recognize true existence and feel the unspeakable peace which comes from an all-absorbing spiritual love" (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, Mary Baker Eddy).

Superficial highs promise fulfillment but instead bring dissatisfaction and restlessness. The teens in the Beijing treatment center looked online for virtual friends and spent countless hours gaming, which estranged them from their parents. One boy was required by a therapist to face his father and simply say "Dad" 30 times. It was a touching scene when in the middle of the exercise he stopped and simply looked into his father's eyes with a sense of connection.

Raising children today requires parents to effectively manage both the usefulness and vices of being "connected." As a parent of teens, this hasn't been without its challenges, but my husband and I have seen the importance of defining clear limits for Internet usage, as well as providing a religious and moral education that includes Bible study and Sunday School. This has helped give our children a compass for making wise decisions, as well as any needed course-corrections.

This summer when our soon-to-be freshman in high school headed off to summer camp to be in the mountains and by a lake, he left the computer behind and handed us his phone with, perhaps surprisingly, hardly a flinch. It was clear his "trade" wasn't just due to camp rules, but because he knew camp offered the kind of satisfaction that is achieved in the "real world," with actual woods and mountains to explore and goals to achieve, including spiritual ones. He also had friends to chat with into the night and in person.

The Chinese parents' desperation to help their boys in "Web Junkie" was heart-rending and turned me to scriptural wisdom for answers. I was reminded of a statement Jesus made to his disciples when they failed to heal a boy who was mentally unstable: "This kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting." He then restored the boy to health. He tells his disciples that with faith "as small as a mustard seed" they would be able to "move mountains."

Internet addiction among teenagers and young adults may feel like an immovable mountain, and our understanding as parents of how best to help may seem mustard-seed small in comparison to the problem. Still, the solution can begin with vigilant parenting. There's a need to fast from enabling hours of online entertainment and instead focus on nurturing strong family bonds, encouraging time spent exploring the wondrous natural world, and recognizing the innate spiritual purity and goodness in teens.

Focusing on these things can only help with stability in all areas of life, including striking the right balance with time spent on the internet.


Ingrid Peschke - The Huffington Post

How to stop over-parenting your child

A new book taking America by storm accuses modern parents of damaging their children with excessive hand-holding. How did it come to this?

In the era of my childhood, there was no such thing as “parenting”. There were parents, of course, but child-rearing was a fairly simple pursuit, not an active verb.
Mothers and fathers loved and cared for their children, fed and clothed them and occasionally asked if they had done their homework. If there were a few books around the house and they got good marks at school, then there was a fair chance their offspring would go to university and then they were on their own.

The only time my mother ever saw my college at Durham was when I graduated. Except for the occasional postcard, she never heard from me during term time. She didn’t have a clue that I nearly failed my first-year exams because any lectures before midday were a bit too early for me. I doubt she even asked how I was doing.

 

New discoveries in science - and the effect on parenting

Such benign neglect would seem very out of place now. Many of the generation attending university are the babies who, almost from birth, were ferried between Mini Mozart and Mandarin classes in cars plastered with Baby on Board bumper stickers. They grew up at a time when new discoveries about brain development were misinterpreted to mean that sooner always meant better for a baby – and there was not a moment to waste. As their toddlers grew into childhood and beyond, parents continued to orchestrate their lives at every turn to try and guarantee their future success in life, signing them up with tutors not because they were falling behind, but to get them ahead.

 

Now, however, as this first cohort of hyper-parented tots comes of age, a new book – currently in the top ten of The New York Times Family Bestsellers list – reveals some terrifying truths about how this excess of care has affected them.

How to Raise an Adult, by American academic and mother of two Julie Lythcott-Haims, argues that the more involved the parent, the less able the child at standing on its own two feet.

She questions why, when we have invested so much in their future, have we stopped growing responsible grown-ups, and started producing overgrown kids instead?

 

Parents still hover as their children attend university

It was after a decade serving as Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University that Lythcott-Haims began to notice a startling rise in the level of involvement of parents in their children’s lives. But instead of producing a new breed of brighter, more accomplished Wunderkind, she found freshers to be overqualified academically, yet under-equipped to deal with the day-to-day practicalities of the world. They might have understood the essentials of particle physics in the lecture theatre but they didn’t know how to boil an egg in their student digs. In the course of researching her book, Lythcott-Haims encountered more and more young adults who eschewed independence and seemed unable to look after themselves properly. She became convinced that parents were to blame.

Time was when the start of secondary school was the moment parents began to stand back and allow their children more independence. But now the helicopter parent, the one who played classical music to their baby in the womb, is still hovering close as their child graduates from university.

 

As Lythcott-Haims observes: “It was [becoming] harder to convince the parents of college students to take a back seat and let their son or daughter be the driver of their own college experience.”

Nor did these young people seem to want to grow up. “Each year, more students were grateful for a parent’s involvement, rather than wanting to try and handle matters on their own,” she writes.

A similar story is evolving in Britain. University open days are now aimed as much at parents as would-be students, with websites offering pages of advice for them on how to make the break. The University of South Wales has its own dedicated magazine, Parent Space, to help them through this difficult time.

 

According to one recent survey, 50 per cent of youngsters take their mum or dad along to open days, apparently without embarrassment, so they too can ask key questions about courses and accommodation.

And when they start their courses – carefully chosen, of course, by those helicopter parents to guarantee the most lucrative careers – the mums and dads find it hard to buzz off. Some are spotted still hanging around halls during freshers week. Then when term gets under way, they monitor events remotely. Tutors receive snippy emails from parents complaining about low essay marks. Principals get calls from parents living hundreds of miles away whinging about a broken radiator in their son/daughter’s room – when the caretaker is just around the corner.

We’re not yet at the point of introducing ''Letting Go’’ training sessions for parents as some American colleges have, or ''parting ceremonies’’ to reinforce heavy hints that it’s time to disappear, but perhaps we’re not far off.

So how has it all gone so badly wrong, when our intentions were so good?

A number of factors, it seems, have driven us to this excessive over-parenting. Competition for university places that previous generations assumed were their right is ever greater, especially from high-achieving students from other cultures, such as India and the Far East, where education is more valued and a family’s honour and future may depend on it.

In addition, while it was once (mostly) free to go to university, parents who are now forking out thousands a year feel entitled to get their money’s worth, whether by assessing the quality of tuition or rating halls of residence as they would a hotel on TripAdvisor.

 

Furthermore, continual pushing has become the norm because it is contagious. As soon as we see other parents shoving their kids forward, we feel compelled to do the same. With the best jobs dependent on stellar degrees from top universities, it feels as if there’s too much at stake to risk allowing our offspring to get on with it, God Forbid, all by themselves.

Along the way – as I point out in my book Taming the Tiger Parent – parents have forgotten the huge smile you see on a child’s face when they have done something all by themselves for the first time.

 

While we might think we are acting in their best interests we are, in fact, denying them the opportunity to look after themselves. Our children take this to mean we have no confidence in their abilities. Lythcott-Haims says we are sending the message that: ''Kids, you actually can’t do any of this without me.’’ In a recent survey in the Journal of Family Psychology, only 16 per cent of 18- to 25-year-olds said they felt they had reached adulthood. And their parents agreed! Study after study has found that when adults take over their children’s lives, the children feel more vulnerable, self-conscious and worried. Further down the line, they are more likely to be treated for anxiety and depression.

 

Source: The Telegraph

By Tanith Carey

Family violence can affect children even before birth, royal commission told

Children are “exquisitely sensitive” to the suffering of their parents, medical experts have told Victoria’s royal commission into family violence.

Professor Louise Newman, director for women’s mental health at Melbourne’s Royal women’s hospital, and Dr Robyn Miller, a social worker and family therapist, told the commission children could be affected by family violence even before they were born.

Women released hormones in response to the stress of being harmed, Newman said, which could permeate the placenta and affect the baby’s development in utero, with potentially severe consequences for the pregnancy.

They are more likely to have preterm deliveries ... babies can have growth problems in their nervous system and brain, and also be small babies, so potentially vulnerable in terms of their ongoing development,” Newman said.

It made identifying women in high-risk situations during pregnancy essential, she said. Maternal and child health nurses were skilled at being able to engage with complex and challenging families and provided an opportunity to intervene, the commission heard.

“If we could engage fathers at that point there might be a window of opportunity. Most men want to do the right thing by their children,” Miller said. “We must train medical professionals to be attuned to indicators of violence, and how you speak about these things with families makes all the difference.”

Miller described seeing babies just a couple of weeks old fall into a state of “frozen watchfulness” due to being exposed to violence between the parents.

“They only have to hear the voice of the perpetrator and they’re in this dissociative state,” Miller said. “One of the really important things to understand is children and very young babies can sense the fear in their parents. They can smell fear. Children are exquisitely sensitive.”

As they grew older, children often assumed a sense of responsibility for their parents, the commission heard.The first few years of life was the most significant period of brain development, the commission heard. Traumatic experiences during this time could affect a child’s learning ability, memory and attention span.

“I’ve seen kids who have jumped on the backs of their mother as she is being stabbed,” Miller said. “They are active agents in preventing their siblings from harm.”

Newman and Miller said children often had no way of making sense of the turmoil around them, and these experiences left them with traumatic memories. They could suffer severe flashbacks that lasted into adulthood, the commission heard.

“I’ve seen babies with injuries,” Miller said. “I’ve seen children who’ve endured a range of different injuries. The traumatic memories for children are stored differently. They’re like a dog’s breakfast.

“A child can be triggered when they smell something, when they hear dad’s voice raised, when they see that look on their mum’s face, when someone grabs them from behind at school in a game.”

Children often responded by acting out, becoming withdrawn, or both, the commission heard. Their schooling often suffered. As they grew older, they were more likely to become involved in exploitative relationships, and were vulnerable to being manipulated, targeted and groomed for child abuse by outsiders.

In an act of self-preservation, children often sided with the perpetrator, the commission heard. Miller said she had often seen children brainwashed by their fathers.

“Joining with the powerful one, the perpetrator, is often the best way to survive,” Miller said. “Children will often become conscripted into the dynamic which is very disrespectful towards women.”

For every dollar spent on prevention of child harm, $17 could be saved, the commission heard.

Sarah Marsh and Lisa Spiller 
Culled from theguardian

Making your Marriage Work

It was yet another memorable weekend at the Epe Resort and Spa with nine couples participating in IWFI Married Couples Retreat.

 Amidst the fun and laughter that usually characterize the MCR weekend, was also tears.  I would say tears of joy and perhaps, that rediscovery of love that seemed forgotten. I guess having heard that being vulnerable towards your spouse also enhances intimacy and that communication is key to a smooth relationship. Only the hardest of hearts can hold back the emotion when a spouse goes on his/her knee to say ‘I am sorry’.

 From the first session couples were encouraged to focus just on themselves. As they were told “....the whole program is about the two of you. Ignore the rest of us; focus on yourselves and the planning of your future...” For sure the program is for our guest couples but I never fail to take away some tips for myself (yes I am a spouse) that can help when I go back home.
My favourite quote from the last MCR program was; “Marriage, like life, is a journey - not a destination – and its treasures are found not just at the end but all along the way” Your lack of control of some events in your marriage, the good one and the bad ones alike are to be treasured. You cannot run away, but make the best of the situation.
The goal of the Married Couples Retreat is to enrich the lives of married couples and help them discover a life-long marriage of true love and fulfillment for a great society to the glory of God.


by IWFI

Watch TV With Your Family

Watching television like they did in the  1950s—and watching classic shows—can strengthen family ties

A recent study found positive outcomes for families that used media such as TV, movies and the Internet ‘as a tool—to laugh together, to become informed, to connect, to spark discussion.

By JENNIFER BREHENY WALLACE


Sixty years ago, television served as a center of family home life. Today, the average American owns four digital devices on which to consume media, according to Nielsen. Back then, three networks dominated; now the average home has 189 channels to choose from. And according to a recent report by Deloitte, 90% of viewers multitask while watching TV, busying themselves with things like social networking, Web surfing, emailing and texting.

All the same, recent studies suggest that viewing media as a family can still be a great way to bond. A paper published this past summer in the Journal of Adolescent Research reviewed longitudinal data on 633 adolescents and their parents. It found positive outcomes for families that used media such as TV, movies and the Internet “as a tool—to laugh together, to become informed, to connect, to spark discussion.” Such shared activities led to greater levels of personal disclosure for adolescent boys, more positive family functioning for adolescent girls and greater parental involvement for both.

Television also can be an effective tool for improving social-emotional skills in young children, but parents have to be choosy. In a study published last year in the Journal of Broadcasting & Electronic Media, researchers assessed which programs most encouraged such learning. “Look for shows that focus on altruistic behaviors like sharing and cooperation,” says lead researcher Claire Christensen of the University of Illinois at Chicago, and avoid those that rely too much on negative behaviors to teach a lesson. “Children whose parents explicitly talk about the shows’ lessons immediately afterwards,” she says, “are more likely to learn” positive social skills.

Finding family-friendly shows to watch together is a challenge today, says Melissa Henson, national grassroots director of the Parents Television Council, a Los Angeles-based media watchdog group. In a recent report, the council reviewed 21 family-centric shows that aired in the last several months of 2013 and found that 99% of episodes contained some form of adult content, like sex, violence or profanity.

“Families want shows that are ‘safe’ to watch together, and they’re not getting them on today’s broadcast television,” says Ms. Henson. Some of her group’s members are returning to classics like “Little House on the Prairie.”

Mary Anne Hunting, a New York mother of 9-year-old twins, likes to watch “Mayberry R.F.D.” and “The Andy Griffith Show” with her family when her own mother visits. “We laugh and laugh,” she says. Unlike many shows today, “old shows worked for multiple generations.”

Whatever shows parents watch with their children, here are some tips for making the most of family TV:

Label what you see. To build social and emotional skills in younger children, it helps to label what they see on the screen, says Dr. Christensen. As they get older, she says, talk about what causes the TV character’s emotions, so that children begin to understand how emotions form. “Try as much as you can to relate those TV lessons back to your child’s own life experiences,” she adds.

Resist binging. Before VCRs and on-demand viewing, TV fans would schedule their week around their favorite shows. Enjoy the anticipation of watching one show at a time, and maximize its impact by taking the week after seeing it to talk about the moral of the story.

Let teens choose. When teens pick a program, you can get insight into their interests, and it may make them more apt to talk about the show later. If you are doing the choosing, try to match their interests: the 1990s sitcom “Friends,” for example, might get conversations going with an older teen, says the Parents Television Council.

Laugh together. Lots of family settings bring power dynamics and generational tensions into play, but watching funny programs together often serves to collapse these differences. Evolutionary biologists theorize that we laugh to build social bonds. Use it to strengthen family connections.

Make a tradition. The consistency of family traditions, like watching a certain show together every week or even the same holiday special each year, can bring children a sense of security and belonging. While watching, put away the many available distractions and build the kind of memory that everyone can look back on for years to come.

—Ms. Wallace is a freelance writer in New York and a contributing editor to EmpoweringParents.com

Teaching your Children Emphatic Assertiveness

In recent years there have been a lot of articles about the importance of teaching children empathy. As a psychotherapist (and a mom) who specializes in relationships, I could not agree more. I am hopeful that the emphasis on empathy will help children become happier people with more fulfilling relationships. On a larger scale, I hope a focus on empathy will make the world a better and more compassionate place.

However, I also believe that teaching our children assertiveness is just as important as teaching empathy. I like to call the balance of being a kind and empathic person while also being a person that is firm, self-assured and confident, “empathic assertiveness.” Empathic assertiveness means that we respect others and can see their perspective, but at the same time we’re firm in our boundaries and are confident in how we implement them.

In my practice, I often see confusion of how empathy and assertiveness can harmoniously work together. I see parents who appreciate empathy but have apprehension towards it and I also see people who act out of empathy but often to their own detriment. Because of this, I have come to realize that empathy is often thought of as being mutually exclusive from assertiveness.
The parents I see with an apprehension of empathy usually have a fear of the old cliché that “kindness is weakness.” A well intentioned fear of a parent is that if their child is too empathic they may be  taken advantage of. This can be a valid concern because while compassion and empathy are instrumental to positive and deep relationships, the tendency to over-identify with others may open the door for people to take advantage or push and cross boundaries.

I have seen anxious people do things that make them uncomfortable because of guilt. I have seen people let others push and bulldoze their boundaries because they felt bad about saying “no” to someone or didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Again, while it is of the utmost importance to be able to take the perspective of another and see where they are coming from, it should not go too far to the point that we can’t speak up for ourselves, say no, or set appropriate personal boundaries.

As a parent, teaching the balance of empathy and assertiveness may feel tricky. Modeling your own empathic assertiveness in situations at home and outside of the home is a great way for children to learn how to communicate well with others in a way that is respectful to themselves and others, especially later on in life with the important figures in their lives: colleagues, friends, romantic partners and family members. Positive relationships with others are critical in professional and personal success in life.

There are also always great opportunities for teaching moments where you can emphasize that there is an importance to be compassionate of others and compassionate to ourselves. Questions like, “How do you think that made that person feel?” and “How did you feel about that?” help open the door for children to understand that others’ feelings are valid and so are their own. For children who don’t yet understand their own feelings, it’s good to help them label their feelings: “You felt very sad when Bobby took your toy and you cried.” As children get older and go through life, their ability to navigate these situations on their own and finding the balance between self-care and care of others (often the pendulum shifts and they can’t always be in perfect balance) will grow stronger.

Here are some suggestions for teaching or modeling empathic assertiveness whenever possible:

• Saying “no” to something that makes you uncomfortable does not mean you are rude or mean. Being rude means that you deliberately say or do something that is hurtful to another person. Saying no to respect yourself is not disrespecting someone else.
• You do not always have to explain yourself when you don’t want to do something. Sometimes saying “no” is enough.
• In important relationships, listen to others and validate the parts of their perspective that make sense to you but also make sure that you are in relationships where you are being heard in the same way.
• In relationships and friendships, a constructive conversation is one where both parties feel heard and work to compromise to a point where everyone is comfortable that their needs are being met.
• You can speak up for yourself and still be kind. For example, if you’re at a restaurant and you are overcharged on your bill, you can ask to have the problem fixed in a nice way. “I appear to have been overcharged on this bill. Can you please take a look at it and make the adjustments as necessary? Thank you so much!”
• If you disagree with someone in your home in front of your child(ren) you can respectfully work through the confrontation by not raising your voice or getting defensive and validating their perspective before stating your own. For example, “I can understand why you get upset when I don’t take out the garbage. However, I was incredibly overwhelmed and busy today and it slipped my mind. If you could gently remind me to do that next time, it would be helpful and I’d feel more inclined to do it.”
• Forgiveness means that you don’t hold anger, bitterness or resentment towards someone. However, that doesn’t mean you need to keep people in your life who have hurt you. You can forgive people and keep them at arm’s length or not have them in your life at all.

by Lena Aburdene Derhally - The Washington Post
Derhally is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety and Imago relationship theory at the Imago Center in Washington DC. She has a toddler and a newborn.